Stand Out

Warning: Slightly rant-y post ahead which I highly recommend you read because I worked incredibly hard attempting to articulate how I've been feeling for quite some time AND this is a post that could be extremely beneficial for anyone to read. However if you choose not to and would prefer to wait for a more lighthearted post when I get back from campI totally understand; just know that my feelings will be hurt and I will have to seriously reconsider our friendship as a a whole. Thank you for your time, enjoy!

Being different was never something I struggled with. For as long as I can remember people were always telling me how unique I was, because I was always the loud, ants-in-your-pants type, (not to mention I was a major tomboy from the age of 8-11) . I was always voicing my opinions whether people wanted to hear them or not, I was running around with my friends doing whatever seemed the most fun at the time, and when everyone else was buying whatever was super trendy from Justice or Limited Too, I was proud to turn my nose up and walk away in my Etnies, basketball shorts, and swim-meet t-shirt. (Yes I am aware that I looked ridiculous, but c'mon, everyone had an awkward pre-teen phase.)

Then somewhere along the way I lost that. Now I'm just not talking about wanting different clothes, (growing out of that phase was definitely a blessing,) I'm talking more along the lines of interests. Out of nowhere I almost stopped taking pictures altogether, which was a hobby that I was passionate about, yet never had the time to focus on. Even thought I loved art and reading I never seemed to have the time for those either; it was always about which show I was watching on Netflix next. When I first realized that everyone was wearing Brandy Melville, it suddenly became an emergency for me to buy one of their tank tops that barely fit me.
I started hating school because it felt like I had no friends. So I blamed it on high school as a whole, figuring that everyone hates high school and that it really is just the worst four years of your life and you just get through it. Then once you're done, life gets better. Turns out, it was mainly because the friends I had, I didn't like all that much. They were shallow and petty and always seemed to be complaining about something. By spending my time with them, I totally forgot to embrace the positive things that were going on around me.
 From the best posting hour to the perfect filter, Instagram posts took hours to prepare rather than seconds. It's absurd to think that an app that was originally created to share what was going on instantaneously, was being used to create a carefully curated museum of photographs of how much fun one might be having with their friends. Phrases like, "She's not that skinny in person," or "My like-to-minute ratio is so bad right now," and "I would never post two days in a row," had become so mundane that I had also fallen victim to them. I looked at my personal account and realized that although it was filled to the brim of photos of my friends and me, laughing and smiling, it didn't actually say anything about myself. And that's the whole point right, expressing yourself? So why wasn't I doing that?
All of a sudden I felt like I was two different people, there was me at home, who was more creative and actually shared what I thought, and then when I left my house, there was a totally different version of myself that wasn't all that interesting. That girl was too interested in which episode of Gossip Girl she was on or what shirt she wanted to buy next.

So here I am, writing this now as sort of a promise. A promise to myself, and to anyone who might be reading this, that I'm sincerely going to try to be myself as much as I can.
When I was in Ireland, we went to the amazing farm were we saw an actual sheep dog run around and herd sheep. The funny thing about it was that no matter what the dog did, the sheep all stayed together no matter where they went. They all followed each other, and couldn't find their way without one another. Well, I'm sick of being a sheep. My mom always said that teenagers were like sheep, I just hadn't realized that I had become one. From now on, I only want to spend my time with friends that inspire me to be more creative, not to blend in better. I am truly sick of not being with people I enjoy, or feeling like I have to be ten separate people just to walk down the hallway. 

Now I'm not trying to say that this is easy. I mean who knows; a year from now I could be in the exact same position I am in right now, only because I didn't have the courage to break away. Which is not an unreasonable assumption. It's scary to stand out, because when you break about from the familiar, the results become an unknown; and that's pretty terrifying.
However I hope that I figure it out. Because I don't know what's to come in the year ahead and I really hope that I'm happy and more myself this time. And overall, I hope to share that person here, without any barriers. I want to be able to express myself however I can without getting caught up in whatever bs might be trending at that moment. It is so important to be yourself; which is never part of a cookie cutter mold. Stand out. 

So I invite anyone who might ever see this to be yourself. Do whatever it takes, no matter how scary to make yourself happy. Good luck!

Sidenote: After I wrote this I saw a post on Classy Cathleen's blog about how bloggers should try to be themselves which I think sort of ties into what I was saying so click here to get to it!

xoxo